solo mama entendre

“Noah, relax your chest. You are lifting your leg with your chest muscles. That is impossible for most people.”

I can’t help but laugh. This is why we are here at physical therapy. My son probably uses his hamstrings to brush his teeth and his quadriceps to blink his eyes. We learned two months ago that his L5 vertebrae has two fractures in it and his soccer season was cut short abruptly, although the last three soccer seasons have been interrupted by intermittent back pain that has often taken him out of blocks of practice sessions and games. We are in physical therapy now, hoping to relax large muscle groups that are overcompensating, trying to provide structure for his fractured spine, and trying to engage his core and smaller spinal muscles to activate when he is in motion. The way I’m interpreting it? Noah’s body is in a meeting and there are a couple of yappers sucking up all the space with their thoughts and opinions (large muscle groups) and there are a handful of folks who are just sitting around, not contributing anything (small muscle groups), allowing the yappers to run the show. It’s time for those small muscle groups to step up and do some work.

Then there is me, faithfully going to cardiac rehab where a speed of 2.5 miles per hour for 25 minutes on the treadmill is a big win for me at the moment. I wear leads to monitor my heart, my blood pressure is checked throughout and I’m asked to rate how hard I’m working. I’m doing upper body workouts with 5 pound weights and learning all sorts of interesting things about my heart and what it’s doing at any given moment and how it reacts to different things.

Right before I was admitted to the hospital, I was experiencing so much stress. The news of my son’s back, my daughter’s continuing digestive issues, the shock of losing a quarter of my annual income when I lost one of my biggest clients in my consulting business, and daily battles in my government job, where I’ve had a hard time finding meaning and purpose. This stress may have contributed to the heart attack, but no one is really sure because the research on this particular condition is pretty sparse (including causes and how to treat).

The thing that has struck me about having something wrong with my heart is that everything is taking on a new meaning. The doctors have told me this is normal – that the heart is the most important organ in terms of keeping our lives going – so that when something goes wrong, people tend to re-evaluate their lives. I’m also trying to activate new muscles. I’m having a hard time tolerating things or behaviors that I used to be okay with, or at least give a pass to. I’m trying to actually stop and hear the people around me instead of multi-tasking (this is hard!). I’m trying to listen to myself – and at times the persistent pain in my chest – to acknowledge that some things need to change, even though I may not be sure what those changes are in the moment or the direction I need to take.

I am also realizing that engaging with the healthcare system and insurance on behalf of myself and two others is really time consuming, expensive, and anxiety producing. I had to take sick days twice this week due to chest pain and fatigue and I spent two of those hours arguing with my insurance company about whether they will cover physical therapy with my son’s care provider for a BROKEN BACK. The jury is still out on that one, and the angst is/was not good for my body. My insurance company may possibly cause my next heart event, but hey, I’ve spent so much already this year on medical bills, this next one will be on them.