solo mama entendre

“Snap out of it.”

Those words haunt me. They repeat themselves over and over as I drive to work, drive home from work, drive to meetings, sit in front of my computer and try to focus, as I make dinner, clean my house, make my bed and stream a hundred positive statements about myself through my brain, morning, noon and night. My mind is in a battle right now. A battle between living and being a mother and a good employee and a friend, and just functioning. Barely making it. “Snap out of it.” I am willing those words to come true. If I could just snap my fingers, and return to life.

“So, I’m just going to tell you, the next few weeks will kind of suck. You will just feel bad, and…” (shrugging for effect), “there’s just no way around it,” said the young, hip-looking nurse practitioner with rolled up jeans cuffs and mismatched socked feet, which had no shoes on them. His hair permanently stood up on end, probably shaped that way because he constantly ran his fingers through it as he talked, taking occasional breaks and resting his head in his hand as he read from his computer screen. A younger, lanky, somewhat attractive replica of Einstein. We were talking about changing old medications to new medications, new medications that may actually work better? After a waiting period of misery.

Yes. These weeks (exactly 8 days actually – 1.1 week?) are sucking. And there are several more to come. And nothing makes me feel better, or alive, for more than about an hour or two. Not human company, not artistic expression, not the sound of children’s laughter, not some random out-of-context thing my children say, nor conversation with good friends.

Is there not a drug for this feeling? “Snap out of it.”

Writing words helps. I haven’t written for months and writing helps. But I’m like one of those people who has been given a truth serum and the only thing I can write about is how ugly I feel and have felt for weeks. Months. It has been like wearing a mask that has slowly been eroded by environmental factors- what are those things that beauty products fight these days? Free radicals? Free radicals have been eating me alive for the past several months and now I’m bare and raw, until my new medications take effect. Until my mask can grow back and the free radicals can be eradicated from my system.