solo mama entendre

I’m typing this in the quiet shadows of my living room, afraid to breathe so as not to provoke any questions or commentary from the bedroom. My iPad screen is covered with unidentifiable sticky, smudgey, crispy material that has accumulated over the past couple weeks, left by the yucky, germy little fingers of tiny trolls who hijacked this device to play ABC Mouse, Tozzle puzzles or Lumosity (Yes, you read that right. Apparently my 6-year old is an avid user, however, it is debatable as to whether he will ever be a Mensa member, my LPI (Lumosity Performance Index) scores have dipped drastically).

So I was rear-ended on my morning commute today. Seemingly by the President and CEO of a local non-profit that I admire, according to the contact information on the business card she gave me. However I was too stunned and my skeleton was too out of whack from the jolt I had just received to appreciate this at the time. No real visible damage to the car but the pain-free morning I was enjoying until that time disappeared. After I got back in my car, I burst into tears for no real reason. Well, other than the fact that it was Monday and I was going to work and my back hurt.

At the end of last week, I took this weird survey as part of trying to save money on my monthly insurance premium that, based on my lifestyle, my physical and emotional health, it would take my real age and calculate my “rally age.” Supposedly this is just the name of the program but unless your “rally age” is younger than you really are, I see no reason to call it a “rally age.” Case in point, my “rally age” was 5 years older than I really am. 

Yay! Let’s rally to be older than we really are! My age is not the actual number of years I’ve spent on this earth, it’s older! Kids, stress, failed relationships, work drama, a poor diet and a sedentary lifestyle have aged me even faster! Let’s rally!!! So, says the program, where do you want to start? We recommend meditating for 20 minutes every day and eating more fruits and vegetables! We’ll even send you email reminders on the days you choose. Can you handle that? Because if you can’t, we can meet you where you are at. Let’s scale back. Let’s rally!!!

This encouraging survey comes on the heels of my annual physical last week.

Doctor: How often do you exercise?

Me: Once a week.

Doctor: That’s not enough. 

Me: It’s hard to find the time, with my job, with the kids…(drifting off)

Doctor: Incorporate your kids into your exercise. Go for a walk with them. Take them on a hike. There is something energizing about being out in the fresh air, sun, you know.

Me: Sure, Einstein. What a great idea! No one has ever suggested that to me before! (Ok, I didn’t really say that).

Me actually: Sure. I could try that.

Doctor: How much sleep are you getting every night?

Me: Well, maybe 6 hours? I wake up a lot during the night.

Doctor: That’s not enough.

And so my strengths-based appointment went on like that for another 30 minutes until tears started seeping slowly out of my eyes, again for no real reason. Hey Doctor, at least my vitals are good, my blood work is normal and I’m 5 pounds less than I was last year at this time! Let’s rally!

I’m sure I’m not alone with these random physical pains, unexpected eye leaking, and being a recipient of lectures about self care. I am not that girl who will show up to her 30-year high school reunion (God, is that really the next one?) and people say “Wow! Look who got hot!” For the love of God, PMS drove me to roast marshmallows on my kitchen stove this evening and set off my smoke alarm. The best possible outcome would have been an engineful of firefighters arriving at my house to save me from myself as I was engulfed in graham crackers, marshmallows and Hershey’s chocolate bars, dressed in plaid flannel pajamas and a misshapen shirt, no bra, and two small children with chocolate smeared across their faces clinging to my legs. Truly, a rallying moment.

Currently, my daughter is yelling at me from the bedroom saying that her face is cold and why am I not coming to bed. Excuse me, but I need to sign off so I can enjoy these moments. They grow up so fast…and so do I!