solo mama entendre

That’s a passive title, isn’t it? Written by an author who is waiting for life to happen to her, rather than making life happen. It’s the place I tend to go to when life feels overwhelming. A life-sized Eeyore. It seems that it has been ages since I last wrote a blog. Writing usually brings me joy, it is my current form of artistic expression. I love telling stories about the kids, capturing them here, as my feeble mind will only hold these memories for a short time. Life seems to have changed dramatically over the past few months and I find myself spinning stories of optimism to counteract some of the pain that comes with change. Sometimes it is not enough optimism as I find myself in ridiculous conversations focused on minute, meaningless details. Like arguing for nearly 30 minutes with a person in my office about how I would like to handle reserving myself a car when I have to travel for work. Really? If nothing else has screamed “life is feeling out of control right now and I need to regain it” yet, now it has, loud and clear, through the car reservation conversation.

I’m going to church. Like more than just on Sunday. I’m inviting God to bring on a revolution in my life. Tear it apart and put something back in there that is more positive, hopeful, healthy, sane, strong, and less fragile, impulsive, confused, needy. I imagine tiny people with picket signs marching between my head and my heart: “We want change!” I don’t have any inspiring verses to share, although my kids can spout encouraging verses to fit most situations.

Me: “Baby, life is hard. Momma’s not feeling so good today.”

Son: “Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways, acknowledge Him and he will direct your path. Proverbs 3:5 through 6.”

Me: “Thank you baby.”

Thank goodness for their school. Not sure if I am ready for public school next year.

I’m planting plants and obsessing over my yard.

I’m sitting at the table with the kids at night doing homework with them and listening to them discuss random topics like baby bottles, what carnivores eat, the days of the week and their favorite flavor of go-gurt.

I am sitting awkwardly in a recovery group, trying to get used to listening to people talk, and not jumping in with words of empathy, reassurance, encouragement. Just really listening. And thanking them when they are done. It is hard to pinpoint exactly what I am recovering from. I just need to be better at life. ❤️