solo mama entendre

When I experienced disappointment, heartbreak, and discouragement pre-children, I had the freedom to go to bed at 4 in the afternoon if I wanted to, lose myself in a Law and Order marathon, or call a friend and talk for hours about how much the world sucked. Post-children, there is no time for processing. Grief happens in outbursts about ridiculous things usually followed by outrageous threats (“If you don’t stop fighting, you are both going to your rooms until next week!”) Dinners still have to be made, laundry still has to be done, baths still need to be taken, and the kids still need to make it to bed, preferably sooner than later. Once, when my son was about a year old, I had a meltdown about my finances. I ran next door with him and left him with my neighbor for half hour while I cried. Another time, when I was sick and overwhelmed, a friend came and took them off my hands for a few hours. A few times, over the past 5 years, there have been moments, when I need to crumble and they need to go somewhere. These are some of the harder moments of single motherhood.

Recently, I lost something that was really important to me. Struggling with the grief process has been agonizing at times. There is anger, denial, hope, sadness, and fatigue. I am coping by churning out all sorts of baked goods with vegetables hidden in them along with creepy things like chia seeds and coconut oil. The kids’ health is flourishing while I am silently sobbing and ranting. Floors are getting swept, laundry loads are being done by the dozens, and dishes spend about 30 seconds in the sink before they are grabbed up and washed. Grief and disappointment redirected. I long for the long, lazy, unproductive days of happiness, when we have candy for lunch and popcorn for dinner, dishes pile up, and one must blaze trails through puzzles pieces and legos strewn all over the floors…